DVR Bitching: Bills VS Broncos 8/20/11

Didn't do live bitching like last week, as I was attending a wedding, and not watching the Bills lose. The final has been spoiled for me, so now I'm just seeing how exactly they got there.

FIRST QUARTER:

13:30: Bills go three-and-out, getting stuffed on 3rd-and-1.

12:50: Bills fake the punt and get the first down, directly snapping the ball to Brad Smith. It's easy to make calls like that when the game doesn't count.

12:00: Spiller breaks a nice run. Tasker notes that the Bills' offensive line was "a little suspect" last season. That's like saying Joe Namath was "a little drunk" when he tried to make out with Suzy Kolber on national TV.

10:05: Tight end screen nets nine, and the tight end Eddie Chandler ends up with a Bronco sitting on his head. I wonder if the defender farted, just to be a dick.

9:28: Note to Stevie Johnson, nothing says "I was holding" like throwing up your hands after releasing a block, even if you weren't.

8:49: Fitzpatrick underthrows on a fade to the end zone. Fitz has shit for accuracy on long balls, which is why he'll never be a top quarterback.

8:39: Lindell boots a 40 yard field goal to make it 3-0 BILLS.

6:58: Bills stop a Broncos' run for minimal gain. I'm always amazed when they stop a run for less than 5 yards.

6:25: Marcell Dareus gets his second sack of the pre-season. He has already done more for the team than Aaron Maybin ever did.

5:48: Bills can't come close to covering Eddie Royal on 3rd and 14...despite having 12 men on the field. Fortunately, Denver was also flagged for illegal formation.

5:13: I love it when a punt returner runs up and acts like he's going to fair catch it so the coverage team stops charging him...only for the ball to land 10 yards behind everyone and bounce into the end zone for a touchback. Always funny.

5:06: Fitz almost gets Stevie Johnson killed with a high throw. Better gets used to that Stevie. I hope your life insurance is paid up.

4:20: Bills go three-and-out. I don't expect another fake. I wonder if someone told the #1 offense that they would be going back out for another drive, and that just because they got a field goal they don't get a trophy and get to leave for ice cream.

3:01: Nick Barnett gets a video package and put over by the announcers, and then he promptly overpersues a screen play, allowing a short gain to turn into a 15 yard gain.

2:39: Barnett redeems himself by deflecting a pass to prevent a long completion.

2:25: Willis McGahee runs for a short gain. Because he's not in a Bills uniform, he doesn't limp off the field.

1:24: Terrence McGee allows a 14 yard completion to Brandon Lloyd. I FUCKING HATE YOU TERRENCE MCGEE.

:00: Bills stuff a run play, but allow a big gain on a screen to set Denver up first-and-goal to start the second quarter.

SECOND QUARTER:

14:48: Kyle Williams blows up the first down run, but his decision to give McGahee a hug rather than tackle him allows Willis to get back to the line of scrimmage.

14:21: McGahee scores, Denver adds the extra point. 7-3 BRONCOS

13:53: Spiller gets ganged up on even after the refs blow the whistle. Spiller loses his helmet, but no flag is thrown.

13:11: Fred Jackson converts on 3rd-and-2. Fitzpatrick needs to yell "hey what's that?" and point at the stands right before the snap more often.

11:12: Bills fail to convert a 3rd-and-8 as the commentators talk about the NFL being a "one cut league" (in reference to the defenders being too fast for the offensive players to change directions more than once while running with the ball). This is true, as you have to wait until you retire to make more than one cut. Ask O.J. Simpson.

8:11: The Broncos are moving down the field and run an end-around. Ray Bentley still doesn't know what a "reverse" is.

7:30: Drayton Florence gets burned for a 15 yard gain. Florence is good for the occaisional big play, but gives up too many gains, and too many pass interference penalties.

6:22: Bills give up another touchdown. At this rate, I won't have to work hard not to jinx the Bills defense by saying anything nice about them. 14-3 BRONCOS

5:20: Bills get the benefit of an extremely weak roughing the passer call. Tough guys everywhere bitch and moan about how it was legal to decapitate the QB and eat his brains on the field back in the day.

4:10: CJ Spiller forgets where he's supposed to go and loses 10 yards. *sigh*

3:48: Donald Jones gets KO'd after Denver player leads with his helmet. Bills and Broncos almost get into a fight. Crowd boos the penalty call because they're idiots.

2:07: Marcus Easly drops an easy completion, leading to the ball being batted around and intercepted. Even with 30 free yards, the starting offense still can't score a TD.

:00: Bills allow The Corageous Brady Quinn to pass Denver into scoring position, but TERRENCE FUCKING MCGEE gets an INT in the end zone off a deflected pass. I still hate Terrence McGee.

THIRD QUARTER:

9:18: Scrubs let Quinn move the ball down the field again. They do force Denver to settle for a 48 yard field goal. 17-3 BRONCOS

Tyler Thigpen is in the game. As if things couldn't get any worse.

9:13: Perhaps sensing what is coming, RB Johnny White gets slammed by former Bills player Mario Hagan and plays dead, rather than risk being out there with Thigpen throwing the ball. (Yes, I know White was legitimately injured.)

8:18: Namaan Roosevelt makes a nice catch. Bentley: "...and Roosevelt can't hang on to it."

8:00: Another dropped pass leads to another punt.

6:30: Bills force a punt, but take an illegal block penalty to push themselves back 10 yards. I just noticed that the Denver PA systems plays the Law & Order "DONG DONG" noise whenever there's a flag. Tremendous.

5:10: Stop me if you've heard this one. Dropped pass leads to a punt.

4:49: Bills' D lineman Terell Troup can't make a sack because he can't grasp the jersey with a cast on his hand (or club the QB over the head with his cast).

2:20: Brady Quinn throws a TD pass. Extra point makes it 24-3 BRONCOS. Denver fans cheer, but I wonder how many were pissed because it wasn't Touchdown Jesus.

2:14: Roosevelt drops another pass. I didn't know the high altitude made footballs uncatchable.

2:09: Bills run a quick tight end screen for 5 yards...and SOMEONE CAUGHT THE BALL!

:00: Bills offense actually starts moving the ball as the quarter ends. I can't wait for this to be over.

FOURTH QUARTER:

15:00: Stats show Denver has twice as many first downs and almost triple the yards. That tells you all you need to know.

10:59: The Bills reach uncharted territory...THE END ZONE! Chan Gaily checks his map and reassures the team that it's not where ships get lost, never to be seen again, its where they need to go to score six point. Extra point makes it 24-10 BRONCOS.

10:58: Touchdown Jesus Tim Tebow comes onto the field. He must be THRILLED that he went from probable starter to third-stringer in two weeks.

8:59: Broncos take a delay-of-game penalty. Even the Bills announcers make excuses for TD Jesus.

8:54: Bills get a sack to force a punt as Tebow ANGRILY undoes his chin straps. Someone is so getting smoted.

6:13: Bills are moving down the field, and are inside the Denver 20. How did the screw this up?

4:11: ANSWER: They go for it on 4th down, and miss on a well-defended play in the end zone.

2:12: Tebow does the one play he runs well with consistancy: fake like he's going to throw the ball, then run like hell.

2:00: The Bills "try to get as many reps for Brad Smith at QB" (says Bentley), in the most Bills-ian way possible: running a two minute drill with no timeouts.

:42: Smith runs for a big gain into Denver territory. Queue the calls for Smith to be second-string...and I can't say I'd disagree.

:07: Bills' receiver very clearly gets out of bounds, but the ref says "fuck that, I'm ready for bed" and keeps the clock running to end the game.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Not a good performance on either side. The run defense still looks pretty good, but the pass defense was awful. The starting offense again got a field goal early, but this time had two more drives, and couldn't do anything.

See you next week whenever the tape-delay airing of Jaguars at Bills is on.

Live Bitching: Bills VS Bears 8/13/11

Generally, the beginning of football season is like Christmas. It's still the case this year, but it's like that year your parents only got you clothes, FUCK THIS CLOTHES SHIT I WANT SOME TOYS!

FIRST QUARTER

15:00: I really hate the charging Buffalo logo against a white helmet. It's ugly. At least the jerseys look nicer than before.

12:45: Bills try a WR screen on 2nd-and-13, it gets almost nothing. Just like everytime they tried it last season. Announcers talk like Lee Evans is a big loss when he'll do the same thing for the Bills while he's in Baltimore that he did last year...jack shit. How many times did the guy disappear against decent secendaries, sometimes even really shitty secondaries?

12:09: Ryan Fitzpatrick throws it to...no one in particular. Bills punt, announcers blame it on the tight end. The Bills have not had a good tight end since Jay Riemersma, who left in the late-90's. They have not made the playoffs since the 98-99 season. I'm sure it's a coincidence.

11:51: The Bears run for a short gain. The play-by-play guy is another in a long line of guys that don't realize that for a play to be a "reverse", you actually have to go in one direction, then REVERSE the ball in the other direction.

10:26: Bills get pressure on Cutler and good coverage, and Cutler runs for a first down because Terrence McGee fell on his ass. I FUCKING HATE YOU MCGEE.

7:59: Bills' defense actually looks good. Shutting down the run, then Shawne Merriman runs Cutler right into their #1 draft pick Darcell Darieus for the sack. Merriman must be back on the 'roids.

7:43: Fred Jackson gives Charles Tillman a huge stiff-arm and runs for a first down. I love Freddy. Too bad he wasted a few years in NFL Europe and minor-league arena football.

6:38: Spiller with a decent run. PBP guy says Spiller is looking to avoid a "Sophmore Slump". Doesn't that apply to people who had a GOOD first year? Make that the second term this guy doesn't know.

4:09: Fitz tries a longer pass to Donald Jones, who delivers a push-off so obvious, it made Randy Moss say "damn, that was pretty obvious...why won't someone sign me?". Steve Tasker is a homer. He never does this on CBS broadcasts.

2:00: Lindell drills a 44 yard field goal. I am pleasently surprised by the performance of the starters so far. I expect at least one of the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle sportswriters to completely overreact to it. 3-0 BILLS

1:50: Special teams promptly give up a long kickoff return. I expect things like this (Bills look good, then one bad play ruin everything) to happen more than once this season.

1:09: Merriman sacks the Bears' backsup QB. To my surprise, he does not injure himself doing his "Lights Out" dance.

:33: Merriman gets another sack to knck Chicago out of field goal range. He is DEFINITELY back on the juice. I really am hoping against hope that this isn't the best they'll look this year.

SECOND QUARTER:

Fitz's line: 7-9, 44 yards. Not bad, considering his incompletions were a drop and mix-up.

12:30: 2nd-stringers don't do much. Tyler Thigpen underthrows on one play, then overthrows on the next.

11:03: Bills' starting D still out there for the most part, and they return to form and start giving up big chunks of yardage on the ground.

8:07: Defense gives up a touchdown after allowing more big gains on the ground, and the quarterback to scramble for the TD. I am never saying anything nice about the defense again. 7-3 BEARS

7:58: Bills get lucky as they fumble away the kickoff, but there's an illegal formation call against Chicago that wipes it out.

5:59: Second team offense is starting to move the ball, after getting a very generous spot on a 3rd down quarterback scramble. Brad Smith gets a 14 yard run to the Chicago 49.

4:37: WR Craig Davis drops a slant. If I were the guy in charge of music at the stadium, I would have the Price is Right FAIL music queued up for whenever the road team does that.

2:00: Bills' drive stalls thanks in large to a holding penalty that wiped out a first down at the Chicago 24. Damn it, the shitty PBP guy is former Bill Ray Bentley. I used to like him. :-(

1:38: Bills defense tips a pass at the line to force an incompletion to a wide open receiver. Bryan Scott looked to be about 10 yards away from the receiver who ran a 10 yard route. He must be taking lessons from Terrence McGee.

1:23: Bills defense gets another sack and force a throw-away to get the ball back for a 2nd team offense that won't do anything with it.

1:13: The Bears' punter's name is Papashon. I just had a vision of Papa Shongo punthing the ball, then lighting the returner's shoes on fire.

1:00: Two really bad incompletions and a sack. If/when Fitz goes down, the offense is more fucked than usual.

:04: Bears try a 56 yard field goal. Bills have enough time to either take a knee or for Thigpen to get sacked again.

:00: They opt for a kneel down. Tyler Thigpen somehow underthrows Naaman Roosevelt on the play.

THIRD QUARTER:

12:27: 2nd string defense gives up about 30 yards on a 3rd-and-16 screen pass. *sigh*

10:35 Bears convert another 3rd-and-long. I know the backups want to get reps in preseason games, but this isn't the way to get them.

10:01: Terell Troup has a huge cast on his broken hand. I really want him to go Cowboy Bob on someone tonight.

9:30: Bills get another sack after a holding penalty to kill another Chicago drive. Chicago really needs a new offensive line coach. Someone is going to end up getting driven into the ground like VanDriesen in "Tired".

8:40: One of the Bills' receivers gets JACKED UP and the ball flies about 10 yards in the air. Will probably be the most exciting play of the half.

6:45: Bills' draft pick from last year, and the first Chinese player ever draft Ed Wang is out there. Dick joke.

4:00: Holy fuck this game is boring. Somewhere Brian Brohm is watching Levi Brown and saying "I couldn't beat out THAT guy?"

:50: Bears look like they're going to score, but Bills DB Aaron Williams makes a nice interception. There's a flag on the play, and to the shock of everyone's it's not on Buffalo.

:45: Some guy named Josh Nesbitt is in at QB for the Bills now. He ran the option in college, and Bentley described him as a "wildcat quarterback". First two plays he doesn't even try to throw, just says "fuck that" and runs. So Ray at least knows one term.

FOURTH QUARTER:

14:44: Nesbitt wears #7 and runs better than he throws. I really hope he doesn't have any pitbulls.

8:05: Tasker and Bentley talking about a play that's simple, but not easy to run, reminds me of Beavis & Butt-Head seeing Michaelangelo's David at an art museum: "It's hard...but it's like, not hard..." Bears going on a long-ass drive to that at least keeps the clock moving.

5:53: Robbie Gould makes a 45 yard field goal. If by some miracle the Bills score a touchdown, they damned well better go for two. 10-3 BEARS

5:29: Brown throws an INT. The crowd that's there roars in appreciation of something actually happening.

1:46: Bills get their 9th sack of the night to prevent a Bears' TD.

1:41 Gould misses from 33. So the final will be 10-3.

:00: Bills try to drive 76 yards in 1:41 with no timeouts by throwing a bunch of 8 yard passes. Shockingly, this ends with Levi Brown spiking the ball with no time left.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Again, I was pleasantly surprised by the starting defense when everyone was in there. The starting offense could have done better (or maybe not), but I was OK with their performance.

The backups on offense, particularly the quarterbacks, are brutal. Buffalo is fucked when the inevitable offensive line injuries combine with a Fitzpatrick injury.