Generally, the beginning of football season is like Christmas. It's still the case this year, but it's like that year your parents only got you clothes, FUCK THIS CLOTHES SHIT I WANT SOME TOYS!
FIRST QUARTER
15:00: I really hate the charging Buffalo logo against a white helmet. It's ugly. At least the jerseys look nicer than before.
12:45: Bills try a WR screen on 2nd-and-13, it gets almost nothing. Just like everytime they tried it last season. Announcers talk like Lee Evans is a big loss when he'll do the same thing for the Bills while he's in Baltimore that he did last year...jack shit. How many times did the guy disappear against decent secendaries, sometimes even really shitty secondaries?
12:09: Ryan Fitzpatrick throws it to...no one in particular. Bills punt, announcers blame it on the tight end. The Bills have not had a good tight end since Jay Riemersma, who left in the late-90's. They have not made the playoffs since the 98-99 season. I'm sure it's a coincidence.
11:51: The Bears run for a short gain. The play-by-play guy is another in a long line of guys that don't realize that for a play to be a "reverse", you actually have to go in one direction, then REVERSE the ball in the other direction.
10:26: Bills get pressure on Cutler and good coverage, and Cutler runs for a first down because Terrence McGee fell on his ass. I FUCKING HATE YOU MCGEE.
7:59: Bills' defense actually looks good. Shutting down the run, then Shawne Merriman runs Cutler right into their #1 draft pick Darcell Darieus for the sack. Merriman must be back on the 'roids.
7:43: Fred Jackson gives Charles Tillman a huge stiff-arm and runs for a first down. I love Freddy. Too bad he wasted a few years in NFL Europe and minor-league arena football.
6:38: Spiller with a decent run. PBP guy says Spiller is looking to avoid a "Sophmore Slump". Doesn't that apply to people who had a GOOD first year? Make that the second term this guy doesn't know.
4:09: Fitz tries a longer pass to Donald Jones, who delivers a push-off so obvious, it made Randy Moss say "damn, that was pretty obvious...why won't someone sign me?". Steve Tasker is a homer. He never does this on CBS broadcasts.
2:00: Lindell drills a 44 yard field goal. I am pleasently surprised by the performance of the starters so far. I expect at least one of the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle sportswriters to completely overreact to it. 3-0 BILLS
1:50: Special teams promptly give up a long kickoff return. I expect things like this (Bills look good, then one bad play ruin everything) to happen more than once this season.
1:09: Merriman sacks the Bears' backsup QB. To my surprise, he does not injure himself doing his "Lights Out" dance.
:33: Merriman gets another sack to knck Chicago out of field goal range. He is DEFINITELY back on the juice. I really am hoping against hope that this isn't the best they'll look this year.
SECOND QUARTER:
Fitz's line: 7-9, 44 yards. Not bad, considering his incompletions were a drop and mix-up.
12:30: 2nd-stringers don't do much. Tyler Thigpen underthrows on one play, then overthrows on the next.
11:03: Bills' starting D still out there for the most part, and they return to form and start giving up big chunks of yardage on the ground.
8:07: Defense gives up a touchdown after allowing more big gains on the ground, and the quarterback to scramble for the TD. I am never saying anything nice about the defense again. 7-3 BEARS
7:58: Bills get lucky as they fumble away the kickoff, but there's an illegal formation call against Chicago that wipes it out.
5:59: Second team offense is starting to move the ball, after getting a very generous spot on a 3rd down quarterback scramble. Brad Smith gets a 14 yard run to the Chicago 49.
4:37: WR Craig Davis drops a slant. If I were the guy in charge of music at the stadium, I would have the Price is Right FAIL music queued up for whenever the road team does that.
2:00: Bills' drive stalls thanks in large to a holding penalty that wiped out a first down at the Chicago 24. Damn it, the shitty PBP guy is former Bill Ray Bentley. I used to like him. :-(
1:38: Bills defense tips a pass at the line to force an incompletion to a wide open receiver. Bryan Scott looked to be about 10 yards away from the receiver who ran a 10 yard route. He must be taking lessons from Terrence McGee.
1:23: Bills defense gets another sack and force a throw-away to get the ball back for a 2nd team offense that won't do anything with it.
1:13: The Bears' punter's name is Papashon. I just had a vision of Papa Shongo punthing the ball, then lighting the returner's shoes on fire.
1:00: Two really bad incompletions and a sack. If/when Fitz goes down, the offense is more fucked than usual.
:04: Bears try a 56 yard field goal. Bills have enough time to either take a knee or for Thigpen to get sacked again.
:00: They opt for a kneel down. Tyler Thigpen somehow underthrows Naaman Roosevelt on the play.
THIRD QUARTER:
12:27: 2nd string defense gives up about 30 yards on a 3rd-and-16 screen pass. *sigh*
10:35 Bears convert another 3rd-and-long. I know the backups want to get reps in preseason games, but this isn't the way to get them.
10:01: Terell Troup has a huge cast on his broken hand. I really want him to go Cowboy Bob on someone tonight.
9:30: Bills get another sack after a holding penalty to kill another Chicago drive. Chicago really needs a new offensive line coach. Someone is going to end up getting driven into the ground like VanDriesen in "Tired".
8:40: One of the Bills' receivers gets JACKED UP and the ball flies about 10 yards in the air. Will probably be the most exciting play of the half.
6:45: Bills' draft pick from last year, and the first Chinese player ever draft Ed Wang is out there. Dick joke.
4:00: Holy fuck this game is boring. Somewhere Brian Brohm is watching Levi Brown and saying "I couldn't beat out THAT guy?"
:50: Bears look like they're going to score, but Bills DB Aaron Williams makes a nice interception. There's a flag on the play, and to the shock of everyone's it's not on Buffalo.
:45: Some guy named Josh Nesbitt is in at QB for the Bills now. He ran the option in college, and Bentley described him as a "wildcat quarterback". First two plays he doesn't even try to throw, just says "fuck that" and runs. So Ray at least knows one term.
FOURTH QUARTER:
14:44: Nesbitt wears #7 and runs better than he throws. I really hope he doesn't have any pitbulls.
8:05: Tasker and Bentley talking about a play that's simple, but not easy to run, reminds me of Beavis & Butt-Head seeing Michaelangelo's David at an art museum: "It's hard...but it's like, not hard..." Bears going on a long-ass drive to that at least keeps the clock moving.
5:53: Robbie Gould makes a 45 yard field goal. If by some miracle the Bills score a touchdown, they damned well better go for two. 10-3 BEARS
5:29: Brown throws an INT. The crowd that's there roars in appreciation of something actually happening.
1:46: Bills get their 9th sack of the night to prevent a Bears' TD.
1:41 Gould misses from 33. So the final will be 10-3.
:00: Bills try to drive 76 yards in 1:41 with no timeouts by throwing a bunch of 8 yard passes. Shockingly, this ends with Levi Brown spiking the ball with no time left.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Again, I was pleasantly surprised by the starting defense when everyone was in there. The starting offense could have done better (or maybe not), but I was OK with their performance.
The backups on offense, particularly the quarterbacks, are brutal. Buffalo is fucked when the inevitable offensive line injuries combine with a Fitzpatrick injury.
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